How to Recognize Assertiveness

Assertiveness. Have you ever heard anyone use that word in a disparaging remark?

“I didn’t like the way she handled that. She was too assertive.”

“He really crossed the line on that one, clear over to the assertive-side.”

We hear comments like that all the time, don’t we? People say things that make it sound like being assertive is a bad thing. In fact you may say them yourself. But is assertiveness a bad thing. Absolutely not. But it could be you (or they) just don’t understand the real meaning of “assertiveness.” There are simple definitions that can help you understand the differences.

The three basic types of behavior are:

• passive,

• aggressive, and

• assertive.

People who really like other people and want to do things for other people are nice, generous people, but sometimes they allow that “nice” characteristic to become their largest area of vulnerability. They want people to like them so much that they can’t say no to anything. “Yes, sir, I can do that.” “Yes, ma'am, right away.” “Yes, I can.” “Yes, I will.” “Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.” Until they are just buried in stuff. They lose their effectiveness because they have taken on too much, haven’t been able to say, “No, I can’t”. That’s being passive.

Then there is the other end of that spectrum. Someone comes into your office and asks you to help them with some project or other. You scream back at them, “Get out of my face! Get out of my office! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” They leave, needless to say. And you haven’t had to do what it was they were asking you to do, you got out of it. But you alienated them in the process, didn’t you? If you act like that all the time, when you need help in the future (and we all need help at some point) are you going to be able to turn to that person for help? Probably not (not unless they are that super-passive person we described in the paragraph above.) Alienating people that way is being aggressive.

In the middle is the wonderful-common ground of being assertive. This is where you are able to say; “Hey, boss…” or “Hey, colleague…” or sometimes even “Hey, spouse/partner, we’ve got a problem. This and this and this has happened and we are either at a bottom line or close to it. It can’t continue.” That’s being assertive.

I taught hearing-impaired teenagers for five years and know sign language. The sign for “communication” is making both hands into the shape of the letter “C”, then moving them back and forth from near your mouth towards the other person, in opposite positions (i.e. right hand is near your mouth as left hand is towards the other person. Then as left hand moves toward your mouth, right hand moves toward the other person.) That is two-way communication. It is not just taking in information, as the passive person so typically does, and not just spewing information out as we see with the aggressive person.

Assertive communication is letting someone know there is a problem, but then adding, “I have a few ideas to fix things, but I want to hear back from you about what you think. Let’s work together.” Isn’t that the best type of communication, the two-way kind?

So here are some textbook definitions to help you understand:

Passive: Allowing others to get what they want or need at your expense.

Aggressive: Getting what you want or need at the expense of others.

Assertive: Getting what you want or need without infringing on the rights of others.

I like these definitions because they show these three behaviors in the light of someone paying for behaviors. If you are chronically passive, it means you are always paying someone else’s bill. That gets old for you really fast. You may come to resent their “taking advantage of you.” (In reality you are allowing them to take advantage of you, are you not?) If you’re frequently aggressive, someone else is picking up your tab. It doesn’t take too much thought to see that others will begin to resent that and will start avoiding you. But assertiveness is where the tab is even. You get what you want and no one else is imposed upon. Sounds like a good deal, doesn’t it?

So, if it is the best kind of communication, why don’t we use it? When I ask that question in my seminars I usually hear these reasons:

1. We don’t know how to be assertive.
2. We don’t know how to recognize the lines between being assertive and being aggressive or pushy.
3. It is a socialization process.
4. We’re concerned about what people think about us, they won’t like us.

Let’s take a look at these reasons for not being assertive.

1. We don't know how to be assertive? Absolutely right. It is a learned process. No one is born being assertive. We don’t hear small babies saying, “Excuse me, but I need to let you know, I need to be feed.” Or “I need my diapers changed.” No, instead we hear “Whaaaaaaaaaaa!” until we respond. Can’t get much more aggressive than that. But then we learn to control that crying and yelling and we often move into the passive arena.

But have you ever seen a passive person who takes things on, and takes on and takes on, until finally, like the straw with the camel’s back, they can’t take any more. Frequently those people blow-up, don’t they? In fact, we see this all the time in our society. Wouldn’t you agree we have seen enough of it?

2. We don’t know how to recognize the lines between being assertive and being aggressive or pushy. We can’t afford for people to blow up any more, can we? We have to develop the assertiveness skills. It takes time and practice. Don’t read this article and then head out saying’ “Now I’m assertive!” You may quickly find that there is, indeed a very fine line between being assertive and being pushy or aggressive. (Which is the second reason listed above.) Learning techniques to be assertive in appropriate situations is important (and we will be doing that in next month’s “Maximize Your Potential” tip), but you can also do the “Ring up the tab” exercise.

If you are concerned about your behavior being too aggressive, remember the definitions above and ask yourself, “Who is picking up the tab for what I want?” If you can say, “No one,” then you are being assertive. If you can name a name, then you are over the line into aggressiveness.

3. It is a socialization process. Definitely so. We are taught to be polite, courteous and, as children, obedient. This is particularly so for women who grew us as I did in the 50’s and 60’s or even before. We were taught to allow others to do for us, to not speak until spoken to, and to sit and be quiet and not ruin our pretty party dresses. It wasn’t that doing those things was bad, it was just that we weren’t taught when to act for ourselves to get the things we wanted. This began to really change in the 70’s. Today’s young women were raised with more options, party dress OR Levi’s.

Still I always hear from audiences that society still considers a man who gets what he wants from life as a “real man”, a “go-getter”. While a woman who takes the same actions is consider as a you-know-what. There apparently are still double standards. Just being aware of those standards can help deal with them.

4.We're concerned about what people think about us, they won’t like us. This is the oxymoron reason. Think about it. Think of a really passive person you know or have known. Are they fun to be around? You either feel sorry for them, or ignore them. You certainly don’t ask them for their opinion or admire them for their spirit, do you?

Then think about an aggressive person you have encountered over the years. Is this the type of person you call on when you need a friend or even just a little bit of help? You typically avoid them like the plague, don’t you?

So if we don’t like aggressive people and don’t enjoy passive people, how do you feel about people who address problems when they arise, who don’t allow things to build up, who stand up for themselves in an appropriate, non-alienating manner? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You like those people, don’t you? Most everyone does. We know they won’t take advantage of us and we know they won’t allow themselves to become a doormat. A pleasure to be with them. So much for the idea that people won’t like us if we are assertive. What we really mean when we say that is we aren’t really sure we can recognize the line between being assertive and being aggressive and we are afraid we will cross that line, which we already addressed in concern 2.

So, there it is. The real meaning of being assertive is ensuring honest, sincere, two-way communication that neither takes advantage nor allows anyone to be taken advantage. True benefits for all.

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